Sweet Child of Mine

 When you look at glimpses of my life shown on social platforms most describe me as “perfect.” I have had friends who even mentioned it looks that way. After all, I’m the size 2 , homecoming queen , straight A only child. What about my life could ever be bad? 

Aw break-up at 25 years old. Tore her acl a few times. Family member in rehab…but nothing that would make her have a bad life.

Truthfully I had a great childhood. I went to Disney every other year. I owned every toy known to man. My parents didn’t divorce. I was always dressed with the best clothes. So why was I so unhappy?

Ah yes, inner child problems. Unsolved issues that came up with me into adulthood.

Have you ever heard the phrase “heal your inner child?” I started my research on this topic when one of my favorite influencers mentioned it in a post. She talked about her struggles with depression and how she started focusing on healing past traumas for herself now. 

I don’t have a ton of childhood trauma but I have been to therapy. Once for eating disorder issues and another for post breakup meltdown. Does that mean I have a lot of problems? Well not entirely, but I did figure out a lot about myself.

After all of my researching, talks with my therapist, etc…. It kind of made sense that my inner child had a huge rejection fear and perfectionist problem. 

Growing up I never realized it wasn’t normal to be as competitive as I was. I was given the reward system with everything I did. Best reader in the class? You get a new toy Jess. Every goal scored I was awarded. In high school my father told me if I didn’t come in first place for every 400 I ran there was no actual point for running track. 

No my father isn’t horrible. Both of my parents are amazing. They just really wanted success for me, and for some reason in my head success was only big rewards. Which brings me to the perfection issue, which probably is the reason for an eating disorder, and other things that I wanted control over. 

Rejection was such a huge fear for me. Looking weak in front of others? Count me out. Showing emotion other than being strong all of the time? Never.

It took me years to realize it’s not that deep. Success isn’t all of the medals in my closet, being the smartest in the room, or even being the prettiest face.

Personally, I think success is being happy with yourself. Being able to wake up every day and be happy with who you are. Life is so short. Heal. Figure out what makes you feel good, and keep doing that. 

Now if I want to cry, I do. (Sorry for all of my friends who have witnessed it because I am the ugliest crier.) If I am rejected that is okay. It’s not meant for me. If something bad happens it’s out of my control. You only control you. So don’t let anyone dictate how you feel. Don’t spend years of your life trying to fake things you aren’t. Trust me, it’s not worth all the pain.

And remember, all feelings are valid. Don’t let anyone ever tell you how to feel what you are feeling.

Love u all,

Jessica